


If At First You Don't Succeed...

by ArubaBlue



Series: Restoration [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25028695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArubaBlue/pseuds/ArubaBlue
Summary: Ryan tries his best to overcome the past.
Relationships: Jeremy Dooley/Ryan Haywood
Series: Restoration [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812475
Kudos: 13





	If At First You Don't Succeed...

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: As with all RPF, please remain respectful of the boundaries set by AH, Rooster Teeth, and anyone involved with the source material in any capacity. This is a work of fiction used to explore my own ideas, not to reflect anything true in these peoples’ lives.
> 
> WARNING: Allusions to past sexual abuse.

“Hey Jeremy?” Jeremy glances up to see his boyfriend loitering near the door, visibly nervous. It’s been almost a year since prom, and Ryan had flourished once he’d been free of his former home environment. However, he still dealt with a variety of leftover triggers and issues with his therapist and psychiatrist. 

As for Ryan and Jeremy as a couple, Jeremy couldn’t have asked for a sweeter, more giving boyfriend. They’d never gone past a little bit of kissing, physically, but Jeremy didn’t mind at all. Ryan always worried about “satisfying his needs,” but Jeremy assured Ryan that he could take care of himself just fine. He was happy to go at Ryan’s pace and to soothe his worries that Jeremy would become impatient with him. 

One of Ryan’s lasting symptoms was rather intense anxiety, and Jeremy can tell he’s working himself up. Jeremy smiles at him, shutting his laptop and gesturing for Ryan to join him on the bed. “Hey Rye. What’s up?” 

Ryan edges into the room, nervously returning Jeremy’s smile. “Well. Um. It’s a little… You know how everyone’s gone tonight?” 

“Mmhmm?” Jeremy agrees. Ryan chews his lip, looking uncomfortably towards the ground. He’s stalling, Jeremy knows, but he has no intention of pressuring his boyfriend. Eventually, Ryan crawls up onto Jeremy’s bed next to him, eyes glued to the bedspread. 

“Well, I was just th-thinking. Uh. I think I might, um, be ready to maybe. Try. Sex?” Ryan continues avoiding eye contact, a nervous shiver shaking him from head to toe. 

Jeremy frowns, brow furrowing in concern. “You sure, buddy?” He asks. Ryan wrings his hands, bites his lip. 

“Um. Yeah. I think. I – I don’t know.” Ryan’s trembling intensifies. 

“C’mere.” Jeremy gently urges, guiding Ryan to sit a bit closer. 

“No, I – I didn’t mean now…” Ryan stammers. 

“I know, bud.” Jeremy chuckles. “I just wanna talk. No need to be nervous.” He murmurs, arranging Ryan so they’re lying side by side. He pets Ryan gently, carefully stroking up and down his side. Almost instantly, his trembling starts to subside. “Good boy.” He soothes. They rest like that for a moment, until Ryan is willing to make eye contact with Jeremy. 

“I’m glad you were honest with me. I just want to make sure you’re always comfortable doing that. I’m never gonna do anything you don’t want, love.” Ryan’s heard it a thousand times from Jeremy, but Jeremy will happily say it a thousand more if it makes Ryan feel safe. “My concern is whether you really wanna do this. It’s alright if you aren’t ready. I know there’s a lot of pressure to have sex – even to want to have sex, and it’s okay to wait.” 

“I know.” Ryan murmurs with a bashful little smile. “Thanks, Jeremy. I just – I don’t think I’m gonna be more ready. I just want to try it. I promise that I really want to.” Jeremy can tell he wants to say more, so he waits. “My therapist and I even talked about it.” 

That does bring Jeremy some comfort – some validation that he wouldn’t be inadvertently hurting Ryan if they did try sex. Jeremy had discussed it a bit with a therapist of his own, and decided he wanted to trust Ryan and trust himself. “Okay, buddy, we can give it a try.” Jeremy says with a grin. “Remember, we stop whenever you say so. Even halfway through.” 

“O-okay.” Ryan mumbles, nuzzling down into Jeremy’s side. “Um. Is there anything – anything we need to get ready?” He inquires shyly. 

“No, babe. I have everything we need.” He says, slightly amused. 

“Okay.” He repeats, burying his face into Jeremy’s neck. 

“Remember, baby, you run the show. I’m never going to hurt you. I’m never going to be angry with you for taking your time, or having boundaries, or telling me to stop.” 

“O-okay, Jeremy.” He says. He tends to get less and less verbally communicative the more anxious he is. “Thanks.” 

Jeremy keeps up the gentle petting and soft praises. 

“H-How should I get ready?” 

“Baby, you don’t need to worry so much. You can get a little cleaned up, if you’d like, I guess, but just get relaxed.” 

“O-okay. I’m gonna go get ready, okay?” 

“Okay, buddy. Whatever you need. Just don’t stress yourself out too much, okay?” Ryan smiles his agreement and departs, even though Jeremy is well aware that he’s just going to work himself up again. 

***  
Jeremy would be lying if he said he wasn’t the least bit excited. He’d been telling the truth when he said Ryan could call the whole thing off if or whenever he needed to, but that didn’t mean Jeremy wouldn’t be happy if they ended up sleeping together. He tries to keep his anticipation controlled. 

When Ryan eventually returns – when evening has come and the house is empty – he’s exuding the same shy anxiety as he had before. 

“Hey, Rye. How are you feeling?” 

“Mmm. I… don’t really know yet.” 

“Hey, buddy, this can be just like anything else, alright?” He murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, enjoying his happy little shiver. “You started liking kisses a little, right?” 

Ryan squirms, a blush climbing his cheeks, tilting his face down to hide his expression. 

“I guess so.” He murmurs with a small, shy little smile. 

“Doesn’t need to be any more stressful than that, love.” 

“Okay.” Ryan murmurs, his voice soft and pleased. Jeremy pets him up and down his sides, applying a gentle pressure. 

“So, Jer, wh-what should I do?” 

“Well, there are a couple ways we can go about it…” Jeremy starts. 

“Well, what do you think is best?” Ryan replies meekly. 

“No, love, it’s up to you.” 

“Well. Can we try – can we try just. I don’t know. Regular? Sex?” He mumbles. 

“Do you mean anal?” Jeremy asks, and Ryan jolts in his arms. Jeremy keeps petting him, gently kissing him. 

“Yeah. I guess. W-will it hurt?” 

“No, buddy. We’ll be careful. And I’ll stop the second you want me to.” 

“Okay. S-so what should we do?” 

“Well, I’ve got to prep you first.” 

“What does that mean?” He murmurs. 

“Well, I just have to help you stretch open a little, with my fingers.” 

“S-so you’ll. Be. Um. I-in, me?” Ryan asks weakly. 

“Yeah, buddy.” Jeremy replies with a little chuckle at Ryan’s phrasing. 

“Okay.” Ryan says. “Can we – um, be slow?” 

“Course, Rye.” Jeremy soothes. He guides Ryan over to the bed, petting and kissing and touching him gently in the ways he knows Ryan likes. Gradually, they start to work their clothes off. Ryan looks overwhelmed, but strangely so, in a good way. 

“I – I like this, Jeremy.” Ryan pants between kisses. 

“That’s what I like to hear.” Jeremy responds. 

“Are you – do you like it?” Ryan asks.

“Love it. I love you, Rye.” Jeremy says, before leaning back in for another kiss. It’s a few minutes before Ryan leans away again. 

“Okay – I think I’m ready.” Ryan says, and Jeremy pulls back, nodding. 

“What’s gonna happen is, I’m going to cover my fingers in this lubricant, and then I’m gonna, well. I’m gonna open you up.” 

“Okay, how should I…?” Ryan asks, and Jeremy gently guides his limbs into place. Ryan shivers and jerks and trembles as Jeremy carefully circles his rim. 

“Talk to me, Rye. Let me know what you’re feeling." Jeremy asks, and Ryan nods shakily. 

“It’s – w-wow…” Ryan gasps. “That’s so… weird, when you’re being all… I don’t know. Gentle.” That makes something in Jeremy’s gut clench, but he decides to continue. 

“Okay. I’m gonna go in now, alright?” Ryan immediately tenses, but a few minutes of kissing and gentle touching relax him again. Jeremy starts to work his finger into him, and Ryan goes still and quiet. 

“Ryan?” 

“Y-you’re – it’s weird. It – it doesn’t hurt.” Ryan says, and then groans as Jeremy works his finger in and out, and it’s ridiculously satisfying that Ryan’s eyes are wide and blown because of Jeremy, because of what he’s doing. His Ryan, his boyfriend, spread out for him, Jeremy inside of him. Jeremy can’t help the arousal building in his gut. 

He keeps at it for a bit, just watching his boyfriend squirm beneath him. “Alright. I’m gonna put in another one, okay?” 

Ryan tenses, eyes flying open. “It’s alright, it’s alright.” Jeremy immediately soothes. “I’m not going to hurt you.” 

Ryan nods, body starting to relax again before Jeremy starts to work in a second finger. Ryan squirms again, more frantically – somewhat alarmingly. He flings an arm over his eyes and clenches his fists. 

“Ryan?” Jeremy asks, hand going still. Ryan says nothing. Jeremy sits up. “Ryan?” Jeremy doesn’t like Ryan’s posture, the way his knuckles are going white where he clutches the sheets beneath him. Jeremy gently pulls out of him, one hand going to Ryan’s knee in an attempt to rouse him. 

“Ryan, I’m not doing anything else until you talk to me. Please look at me.” Ryan lets out a terrible, wounded sound, partway between a moan and whimper of sheer distress. “Ryan, please talk to me.” Jeremy asks more urgently, alarm starting to build in his chest and crawl up his throat. 

“I – I’m sorry, Jeremy, I’m so sorry. I – I wasn’t ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready – “ Ryan whimpers, pulling his arm away from his face. His eyes are filled with tears, and Jeremy gasps. 

“Nonononono, baby, please, it’s alright, it’s alright – “ He soothes urgently. He wants to gather Ryan into his arms, making an abortive motion towards him. Ryan completes the gesture, throwing his arms around Jeremy. Jeremy passionately returns the motion. 

“It’s alright, big guy, everything’s okay. Are you alright?” Ryan immediately nods. 

“I just got – I just got sc-scared. I thought it was g-gonna hurt, and – and last ti – I mean – I mean – back then, it – it – it f-felt like I was getting stabbed, Jeremy, it hurt so bad. And th-there was so m-much blood.” He whimpers, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Shh, shh, no, love, I won’t hurt you, it doesn’t have to hurt. We’ll stop, we’re alright, you’re alright.” Jeremy babbles, barely understanding what he’s saying himself. Despite his words, however, Ryan doesn’t stop shaking, his eyes shining with more tears. 

For a long while, Jeremy just holds him, letting him shake in his arms, letting him calm down. Eventually, Ryan pulls back and looks over at him. “O-okay. I’m – I’m alright. I just needed a minute – we – we should keep trying.” Jeremy bites back the urge to yell his protest. 

This was what he had been worried about – Ryan trying urgently to tolerate whatever treatment he’s given, rather than actively enjoying himself. Jeremy thinks, not for the first time, of what he would do if he could go back in time and defend his boyfriend when he was just a child. 

But he can’t. He can only protect Ryan in the present day. And in the present day, Jeremy doesn’t want sex to be just another thing in the long list that Ryan’s endured. “No. No, definitely not. We should stop, love.” 

“N-no! No, I’m fine. I just – I just – I just needed a minute.“ 

“Babe, I don’t want to keep going. I want you to be excited to have sex, not scared.” Ryan sighs, and then lays himself down next to Jeremy. 

“I’m sorry, Jeremy.” 

“Don’t be, Ryan, seriously. I don’t want you to have sex with me without being ready and excited, and – well – enjoying it, big guy.” Ryan doesn’t meet Jeremy’s gaze, a small tremble wracking his frame. 

“I just… want you to be m-my first, Jeremy. My real first, that is. I don’t want… physical intimacy… to be just another thing that – that they took away from me.”

“Ryan, baby, it won’t be. I promise it won’t be. We just need to take it slow. We can’t rush things. The last thing I’d want is to rush into things and end up giving you another bad experience.” 

“Thanks, Jeremy.” 

“It’s just human decency, Ryan. Seriously. I’m so fucking sorry about what people have done to you.” 

“Well, i-it means a lot to me. You always looking after me. I love you, Jeremy.” 

“I love you too, Ryan.” Jeremy says, his heart melting. 

Jeremy gathers his boyfriend into his arms and leans them back against the bed, letting Ryan nuzzle up against him. Someday, he and Ryan were going to make love and have exactly the experience they both wanted. But until then, Jeremy was happy to wait.


End file.
